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Saturday 31 December 2011

One Awesome Friend

I was only a week old and she had proved to be the kindest of individuals. She wasn't obligated to help me but she chose to. Day after day, she was patient with me teaching me all I needed to understand. I wasnt quite used to that sort of treatment so i constantly felt the need to take heed and make the most of it while it lasted. I mean... She seemed too nice to be true; more like a being sent from above.

Well... Not particularly a genius herself, she frequently got in trouble with the boss for failing to meet up with expectations. She was barely a year old at the firm but she knew enough to groom me and teach me the rules of the game. Unlike the others who cared less if I existed and were all too quick to reprimanding me when I erred, she was genuinely interested in ensuring I improved daily.

The others were the truly experienced ones, they knew it all but were the sorts who rather conceal and save up their knowledge for public displays. They were more interested in sending me on errands and watching me falter than giving me the training i so desperately required. But she was different. She would entertain my inadequacies and allow me disrupt and interupt her work as often I could. She would constantly attend to me especially when she perceived my tasks had gotten me buried in confusion and despair. That was how thoughtful and considerate she was.

I'm not sure when, how or why, but it all changed... She became distant. She would simply let out a smile when I teased or express an exuberant demeanour when she's got an amazing feedback from the boss. Maybe it was me! I mean... I'm quite a handful. I'm easy to get along with but difficult to be friends with. "Could i have driven her to this point?" I repeatedly asked myself. "Could I have discouraged her without knowing or said something i shouldnt have?". "Could I have overwhelmed her with my needs disregarding the existence of hers?". All these thoughts plaugued my mind and began to slowly shape my behaviour.

Before long, I also began to withdraw, I was well schooled and able to stand on my feet so I had little or no reason to seek her advise. Faster than I realized, we had become 'just colleagues' and I had began to excel at my job and take the credit for all my successes.

Almost like two college girls, we started to get into arguements, fights and before long talked behind each others' backs. I must say, she had grown quite annoying and i'm sure we got on each others' nerves in equal proportion.

It was one of those evenings when I do my personal reflection that it occured to me that I was flawed. I had thought for a few good hours and objectively realised my failings... It wasn't her at all, it was I who was the problem!

I discovered that words failed me when I needed them the most and an unending stream of them filled my mind when I need them to stop. I realised that I lacked when it came to being as nice to others as they have been to me and i came to terms with the fact that I was very critical, not trusting and hard to please. I didnt mean to be this way, I just assumed she'll know I cared from such gestures as sharing my excitements with her.

I got angry often at her for being insensitive when it was i who had concealed my true emotions with a smile and denied the existence of an ill feeling ...that was my crime: pretense. I was a fraud when she had so easily trusted, opened up and sincerely cared. she perceived the stench of it from far off as if it were a dead animal rotting in an enclosed space.

While the goodnews is that amends were made, the focus of this mainly is to provoke an evaluation of self and our relationships. They are not always the cause, sometimes, we are too.

To my amazing friends, I really love you all. I know i don't deserve a few of you....and i'm grateful and thankful for you guys in my life. xx

Saturday 10 December 2011

Diary of a Single Girl: 2



So we became official and I told him I recently got out of a relationship and so wouldn’t want to rush things to which he agreed and promised to treat me like an egg in his words! Obviously I was happy! I was particular about not rushing things as I wanted to be sure he wasn’t just a rebound guy. I talked about him so often that anyone that knew me at the time knew that I was so in love with him *huge grin*.

Now the real story officially begins here……

My new boyfriend wasn’t a phone or chatty person I mean he does have a bb but we never chatted for long. The longest we've had never exceeded 5mins (except once when we spoke for 38mins : D). He called quite often; up to 5 times in a single day and we would see once or twice during the week depending on how our schedules were. I must add, he had a tasking job and was almost always busy so maybe that’s why phone convos were never long. But what of nights and weekends right? I just didn't get that bit. I never mentioned it to him cos I figured he's not a phone person and he did mention the chat thing to me before anyways. On a second thought, "for crying out loud, I’m your girlfriend you should want to talk to me all the time and for as long as possible when we do talk." I was also busy myself and besides, what did it matter? I knew I loved him and he loved me too (or so I thot). But I gradually began to wonder why our convos never lasted long. I would often try to make him stay on the phone and my man will just as quickly come up with "there’s work in the a.m so we need to go to bed…." (hmmm... really?) So I let it sly.

The biggest problem started 2 months into the relationship when he went on a work trip for about 2 weeks. During this time, I was going thru "stuff" and needed him there more than ever before. He didn’t call or message and when he did, it wasn’t anything to be happy about. Then, he returned and didn’t as much as contact me until 2days after he had arrived. The funny part was that he saw nothing wrong in what he had done but claimed he had tried calling me when he arrived but couldn’t get thru *obvious lie*. I made no fuss about it… I sent him messages telling him how I felt and the way he was acting or not acting and he didn’t respond to them. He would totally ignore my messages :( (read and not respond) and sometimes responded only after I consistently messaged him… not what you’re thinking! I just think it’s rude to ignore ur girlfriend’s messages. I eventually conveyed my concerns to him. It's only logical to want to know where I stand with him and make him aware of how I did not feel we were in a relationship. He then cut me short saying his environment was noisy and would call me to discuss further *imagine* We never had that conversation despite my constant pushing for us to talk so i guess it was obvious and accordingly, I figured I already had my answer.

I then traveled but couldn't get to see him before I left. A week later, he started messaging apologising for his actions and inactions etc …this is where I begin to feel like a bawse… to have the same guy grovelling when a few weeks ago it was the reverse…I didn’t respond to any of his messages the whole time I was away *taste a bit of your own medicine*. On my return, I felt sorry for him and agreed to discuss since he claimed he was going through "stuff" at the time and was ready to explain. He went on about how I made him a better man * a song by musiq soul child*, how my smile lights up the whole room *taylor swift*, how he was a changed man *chris brown*, and finally he doesn’t believe no one can love him better *dondria* never use lines of my favourite songs.

After all the apology I told him I needed time to think so he won’t feel his lyrics went to waste. Told him words are cheap, actions are expensive; don’t speak about it until you can’t afford it…cos words without actions are totally meaningless. After all his and my speech, he still remained his same old self.

Truth is my heart really does love him even if I act like I put up such an act…just wish he could be the best boyfriend possible…

I’m lost for ideas and simply clueless on what to do and how to manage all this :(

Wednesday 30 November 2011

Diary of a Single Girl

A few weeks ago, I was sad, alone and heartbroken from my previous relationship. I tried to keep myself busy after the break up to avoid getting myself upset all over again and this seemed to have worked at least for the most part -I mean, I work Mondays to Fridays; 8-8 on those sort of jobs that take-up your very useful hours and leave you with just enough time to have a shower, eat and sleep.

The weekends weren't any easier because I always seemed to have quite a bit to juggle. There's usually a wedding, birthday party, bridal shower, baby shower etc... to attend or I deliberately overwhelm myself in the company of friends who were charged with the responsibility of keeping me sane and helping me unlove him (...trust my girls to diss the guy, remind me of the million and one things he sucked at and inflate my head with their *you are too good for him* talks..lol)

Ok.... so i met someone (else) *love struck*. 
It was a Saturday in mid July when I was bored out of my head, had absolutely nothing doing and was home alone. Sadly, I found myself thinking about the past and all the things I wish we could have made right but we didn’t. Tired of the whole gloomy episode, I decided to call-up one of my girlfriends to go out for a drink *excited*. While we were at the lounge having our drinks, chatting and casually moving to the beat of the music, my friend suddenly sees a friend and before they knew it, they were hugging and catching up on lost times. 

I wasn’t particularly paying attention to the guy in question whilst they were talking but then I decided to take a glance at the young man and believe you me; it was love at first glance… *shy much*. You've got to believe me when I say I never believed in stuff like that until that very moment. It was really really weird not to know someone but fall in love with their person instantly. I found it funnily scary or more like scarily funny *wink*! But yeah... he was tall, dark, handsome and still is (to me anyways) and I thought we would really make a nice couple…. :D

After my friend was done catching up with him she comes over and tells me her friend likes me and I’m like I think he’s cute too! ;;) So he comes over and we get introduced properly and he asks if he could have my pin to which I obviously agreed seeing as I was already in love with him….X_X. We chatted briefly on Sunday, by Monday he was calling and on Tuesday, we had our first date and we talked, laughed over drinks and to cut the long story short he asked me to be his girlfriend and although I thought it was too soon, I accepted his proposal on our second date (a couple of days after) btw can I just add that I find it so cute and absolutely loving to be asked the question ‘would you be my girlfriend?’  I mean guys don’t usually do that or do they? (not the ones I’ve dated in the past though)...

Sadly my blogging ends here tonight…as my bed is calling :) I’ll finish up sooner than you think.

Friday 11 November 2011

Someday When I Stop Loving You

Ever watched the movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"?? It’s where I got my inspiration from…This is dedicated to women who suffer physical and emotional abuse; I pray y’all find the strength to leave someday.

It was just like yesterday when we began. You swept me off my feet and washed away the very memory of those that had hurt me in the past... You gave me a new hope; a fresh start and a faith that made me feel like a woman again: that woman who is now completely sold out to you.

My last experience with the last guy was horrendous..I mean, he was that guy! He was best at multi-tasking and even got the awards: a cheater, a liar and an abuser. I took the heat when he was at his lows and cried to sleep when he was at his highs because he spent those outside: with another.

...I wanted a new start and it’s why it took me a while to let you in.  But you proved yourself. You showed that you were worth it: my risking it all over again for you. you were not perfect but you brought out the best in me and that made you perfect...

I'll give you the credit because you tried... You passed all the tests. You said the words like a poet would  and you worked the deeds with such perfection that is known to a gentleman. But I'll say it again, "I commend you" because you excelled at deceiving me.

It’s been a little over a year and I realise you were just like him…. I remember the first hit like it was yesterday, a very rude awakening. You blamed it on everything else but yourself. You hit me once and got kinder with it by doubling the dosage every other week. Now it’s a chore and fast becoming a hobby. The beatings are bad enough but it’s the apologies I detest because they mean nothing to you.

I blame myself and often wonder the sort of life I have been called to live. I have considered suicide but my faith won't let me; I have even thought of a silent murder but my mind lacks the guts. I’m quickly running out of options and tired of living a lie. Tired of lying to friends and wearing a mask that makes other women want what I have.

You always said I was a strong woman and I couldn't agree more with you... I'm reaching my breaking point and I hope to get there faster than you can imagine. When I sleep in my bed all I think about is how I'll get thru the night..., how I'll possibly face the horrors of what’s to come!

I woke up this morning glad I got through the night and it struck me: I have stopped loving you..

It’s about time I let go of the hurt and the pain; now, all I need is the strength to leave..

Thursday 20 October 2011

Fate or Faith


First, I must apologize to you all for being extremely rude and keeping you waiting this long before putting up a new post. You know what they say... “Rome wasn’t built in a day”..lol. I can give you all the reasons why I have not written in a while but would rather not go into that.

Two very interesting concepts yet quite at contrast. While the former says that the future is always predetermined and according to a fixed natural order of events…. the latter is about daring enough to believe for or in something with the hope of it manifesting in the course of time. In very simple words and with the help of the perfect literature, faith is defined as “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” *wink*(Paul, 500BC: 1028).

My question is: which school of thought would you rather your life be guided by...?

I’m not oblivious to the fact that a vast number of people still believe in “fate” and would argue even to their death beds that every man has a destiny mapped out for him/her and their task is simply to role play. If this be true, it means that we are put on this side of eternity not to have dreams or to make attempts at following them but to accept to be tossed by life’s wave, at its speed and remaining in the rubbish if that’s where it lands us. It also probably means that we are to be reactive or to simply play victim to life’s events and having no say whatsoever in the affairs of things. Does this then mean that life is brutally unfair and God is partial? Do these then also suggest that only a few are fashioned to be successful? Or must one consistently exist in mediocrity contrary to one’s level of ability, skill or intellect?

“Faith” acknowledges the human nature and its ability to dream; its need to exceed previous achievements. It understands the concepts of opportunity and the optimum use of time; it fuses with a daring mind to create the most exquisite inventions imaginable and cooperates with nature to reward the diligent. It seems to be fairer in apportioning lots and nepotistic in attributing accomplishments. It won’t simply award you because you have wished but because you have blended your dreams, aspirations and believe with a force beyond yourself. They say “the mind is the greatest thing” and it’s true... the best ideas were birthed in one. Faith is what drives our belief. It is that unquenchable hope that always whispers “just a step further; you’re closer than you think”. To have faith is to believe in one’s self, to work towards your life’s goal (whatever it may be) and to hold fast to it against all odds because somewhere somehow, you know it stands the chance of succeeding.

....I’ll end with this –

A friend once said: “Whatever your belief system; whatever you believe in... I dare you to have faith enough. You owe yourself that much.....you owe yourself that soothing smile that accompanies pursuing something purposeful”

Friday 15 July 2011

I Remember



Lately I keep remembering random things…this is partly because I took a mini holiday from what I like to call the big Disso *phew*….I must say I’m enjoying this break seeing as this is my 3rd blog this month..

I remember being robbed at gunpoint with my best friend in the car…. I cried the whole night and even contemplated leaving the next day. Dayum thank God for life

I remember when my cousin who had not been home in 14years wanted to beat up a thief who tried to steal her phone…after retrieving the phone, she kept shouting “I’m from Chicago, I’m from Chi City, downtown Chicago and I will beat you up” jokes for dayz

I remember when I used to be sooooo rude in high school…and now I can’t hurt a fly

I remember my first kiss.. I was the last of my friends …lol lol

I remember when my sis and I were playing and she mistakenly pushed me off the rooftop…I landed on the hot stove of beans ouch…and my mum beat the hell out of her… poor her.. poorer me due to the burns I sustained, no visible burn tho

I remember being bullied by Leigh, Marissa, Adeola and Gloria.. what did I ever do to deserve that…and to think we are now very good friends

I remember my friend’s boyfriend telling me he liked me… what was I meant to do about it.. like seriously?? Are u kidding me??

I remember summer in Paris, Milan and Berlin: fun times

I remember being hit by a mo-ped *smh*  gosh the number of times I’ve come close to death

I remember the strangers I met at Essex who called 999 when I was ill…they didn’t stop there, they brought me food, slept in the corridor at the hospital… Sonia and Kemi are my friends for life

I remember feeling so sad after I told some guy I liked him

I remember a married man asking me to be his second wife.. *God punish u* kmt

I remember watching my best friend in labour on skype..15years ago seems like yesterday Olivia

I remember being a really bad dancer and now I can dance for dayz
I remember studying so hard for an exam...got into the hall and no clue about any of the 11 questions asked...Today I became a certified CIPD member... Get this I didn't just pass the exam I aced it...!! Its only God that would have written that last paper no joke.. It’s a testimony!!! *heads to the altar*

I remember so many things but these are the random things that have come up recently… I hope I don’t forget to remember me, what and who I stand for…. Because I love these memories

Friday 8 July 2011

An Uninvited Guest

He comes in without permission unlike some of the others who you can actually prevent from coming in. He violates you because you don’t have a choice; he cares less if u jog eat healthy or go on diets. Every drop of blood in your system cooperates with him because he comes in disguise. He’s in with the good cells and moves round till he finds a suitable place to stay… and this could be just about anywhere he deems fit in your body. He doesn’t care about the pain you feel or the people around you, all he wants is to treat you like you deserve no life…. all he does is infest the place where he decides would be a new home for him. His presence brings about hallucinations, dizzy spells, appetite loss and mood swings. In no time, people around you begin to wonder why you have changed suddenly but you have no answer, perhaps they are the ones changing… you then notice these changes yourself and when you finally report the case you are arrested for aiding and abetting him: for not making a statement early enough.


How would you have known he was slowly killing you and taking you away from the ones you love so dearly? How do you explain to the loves of your life that you finally want to spend all the time you have with them? …now they say you have become ‘too dependent’ I mean, we all know no man is an island… but hey, what’s with the new clinginess? Little wonder, they don’t understand what’s eating you on the inside, they do not realise he’s battling with you on the inside to win a war he decided to start without ur consent. Sleepless nights and very long days, you swim in your own pillow that has now been drenched with tears… now, all you want is for him to leave you the heck alone!!


Why is he so strong and powerful ‘I hate you…I really do ‘freak’ that’s all you say to yourself. For him it’s like pre-school, high school and college, he graduates every class making u feel much worse as he leaves previous stages. If you are lucky enough you would win before he graduates college.  He does not have sympathy for you because you have kids, because to him life is nothing. He won’t hold back because you are in school, trying to get a degree, start a career and have a family.  The only way to get it out of the system when he attacks is through a surgery or better still chemo and radiation, and the doctors ramble on ‘I don’t think you can make it’, you have 6 weeks to live -now they put a time frame on your life.


Chemo makes you moody and weak…   it makes you appreciate people around you less. After all they can never feel your pain and to you they just don’t care. But when it truly hits you, when you are able to see beyond the delusions and the vile moods he lays so heavily on you, you fight with all you’ve got in you, you fight to stay, you fight to see the future of people around you, you fight to see your own future and finally you fight to fulfil your purpose on earth.


This is for everyone who knows someone that knows someone combating cancer. Let’s keep praying for a cure and let’s keep up with the fight -like those that have kicked him in the face and won the battle, they went on to live 10 years after a 6 week time frame.... Cancer fears no man but he definitely respects God who alone calls the shots and because He is the author and the finisher of our faith, until He says it is over it truly isn’t.

Friday 1 July 2011

Oh the Apology Finally Came... About Time!

So everyone that’s close to me knows I don’t forget things easily and that goes for the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m good with dates, numbers, words, specific events and the images can replay in my head so clearly like it happened only yesterday. A couple of my friends have said I don’t forgive easily and that I only remember the bad stuff, and to be honest I sat down and had a meeting with myself to check if my heart was in the right condition -that way I would know if I truly remember only bad events. I came to a conclusion that I remember all and I realised it’s a gift to me which I truly appreciate. Truth is even if I remember all; at least there are some good stuff as well. On the path of self discovery I however realised that I didn’t forgive people easily or I forgive, and the memory of the event never leaves *now that’s just bad* crack yourself up and say it again. I mean I remember everything down to dates and time, it is that good or bad as some would say.

About a year ago, things happened *which may be blogged on some day* and I was so hard on myself it was unbelievable.  I wouldn’t forgive the offender and I wouldn’t forgive me for allowing someone take me for *foolish* Anyways ,I battled with forgiveness for months and to my friends I lied that I had forgiven and that it was all in the past. Months later, I was worshipping and was totally broken as in…crying like a baby, tears running down you don’t want to imagine the rest *ewwwww* and it occurred to me: while I’m steady here ready not to forgive, my dear friend is living their life worry free and I’m over here struggling with forgiveness and dislike cos I wouldn’t call it hate. So I asked God to allow me forgive both myself and the offender –trust me it was hard *the end*. But after this I was so happy and a weight was lifted off me; who knew forgiveness could give you such relief. To forgive is truly divine as they say because, at the end of the day, it’s for you and not the offender –remember, they are enjoying their lives while you stay mad at them.

Recently, I kept getting calls from my offender and I decided to finally attend to it. Who knew someone so jumpy and talkative could become so calm, quiet and almost mistakably peaceful. And for some reason I could predict their next couple of lines. I was so happy because there was nothing better than to hear those words…. I was wrong, I’m sorry; pls forgive me blah blah blah.  It took over a year but hey, it finally came. I chose to forgive while having wisdom enough not to let them get too comfortable to repeat their actions. I have learnt one thing: if I have to go to God’s throne to ask for forgiveness daily, who am I not to forgive a mere human who is just as imperfect as I am.

….And people karma is real, and my offender shares the same belief. Apparently it’s the only reason they decided to apologise cos perhaps it had bitten them in the a**

Wednesday 25 May 2011

Letter To My Grandmother

I would never have thought time would go by so quick. On this day last year, you said goodbye to everyone who loved you so dearly including me. I would never have thought I would heal from taking in the information of your death because it took me a while to forgive myself I felt I should have known you were going but did not and as a result, didn’t say my last goodbye.

On the 9th of May 2010, I remember being so happy that my best friend had gotten married and as I was leaving the hotel and coming home, the excitement hadn’t left me yet. I also had exams to prepare for so I had to get ready to leave almost immediately. You came home to spend time with the family and for some reason I was just so non-chalant; I was more concerned about getting ready to check in at the airport and hoping not to be late. Right before you left you called my name and said “I’m tired”. Why didn’t I know you meant you were leaving because 16 days later you said goodbye to the world. I told myself I wasn’t going to ask God why but secretly I did *well my subconscious did*. A rare gem, a mother to all, a woman that was so precious to my heart, I still hold you in high esteem because you were such a fighter. Words are not enough to blog about you. I had never experienced the death of someone so close and someone so loved, it was all so new. I closed my eyes and all I could see was you. There’s so much I wish I could have said to you on the 9th, like how much I loved you, how much of a role model you were, how thankful I am that our destinies were intertwined and ordained by God.

Grandma I would never forget you, because there’s always a space for you in this very heart of mine. Your gentleness and loving kindness makes me want to be a better person- it makes me want to love selflessly and unconditionally. I love you till kingdom come. Your death leaves a heartache no one can heal, and your love leaves a memory no one can steal. I know I speak for all your loved ones, children and grandchildren. You have taught me that death is not the greatest loss of all; the greatest loss is what dies inside of me while I am still living.

My grandma, my angel the greatest woman I have ever known….Continue to rest in peace my lovely.

Monday 2 May 2011

Wifey 101: Supply and Demand

Hey guys I'm back again, I'm back again, I'm back again, yes. yes. yes!!! That was me singing by the way, excuse me being silly but I have been itching to blog all this while. The problem is as much as I wanted to blog my thoughts; I couldn't because I had 5 essays to contend with. After all the tears and what not, I survived and now just praying for excellent results cos dayum I put in a lot. My friend named this blog title and even wrote most of it, and as much as I love arguing, I couldn't help but agree with some of the points which to me were laughable.

"Lately I’ve been seeing tons of facebook and twitter statuses with girls ranting and raving about 'what they deserve' so I figured I should set the record straight and help y’all understand a thing or 2. In order to “Deserve” something you have to be worthy and be providing something as well. You want a “good man” but what makes you so special to deserve one? What makes you think you so different than all the rest of these girls around here? Oh cuz you thick? Pretty face? NEWSFLASH it’s a million of y’all. lol. Girls kill me with this running around barking out demands and requirements. It’s not even logical to have expectations, standards, and requirements for others that you can’t even meet your damn self. 

Realistically the ratio of women to men comes into play with this also. Women outnumber men on every single scene except the sports bar probably. Therefore WE are the catch. You understand that? WE.US.MEN. You have to work twice as hard to get and keep a man because there is twice as many females to compete with…And the LAST way to get a man is nagging, barking, and whining about what you deserve and blah blah blah. All these demands.. What’s the supply? Seems as though the world we live in women expect to be catered to and pampered in every form and think the ultimate reward for a man in return is a piece of ass. You got to bring more to the table than sex. It’s 2011 sweetheart. Gas Prices are through the roof, I’m not just coming to “see you” unless I’m bout to SEE YOU. lol. That’s for one. And for 2, after that’s done, then what? After a while that pretty face of yours gets tired of being looked at and a prettier face will surface. It’s Supply & Demand, not Demand & Supply. Marinate on that ladies" 

I know people may think he's a male chauvinist.. but let us face the facts..there’s a lot of truth and sense in what he wrote. I mean even people who provide 'exclusive' services for a price also lay hold to the claim that they do deserve better from men *wowzers*. Although this is debatable as you all know people are in it for different reasons.

More alarming are those cantankerous wives whose reputations go beyond the neighbours on the street, they too while constantly ranting down their husband's throat on how inadequate he is also delude themselves that it’s the pathetic union that stands in the way of their eternal bliss. *I make myself laugh* 

Finally there are those girls popularly known as gold diggers that were born into this world to siphon everyone in their path (not just guys in this case) but their female friends who constantly fall victim of this noble characteristic....and imagine such girls thinking they deserve to be treated like queens by a ‘bigger fish’ of course!! I am no judge but I think they truly deserve better…!!

Thanks Derrick for ur insight, its got me thinking errrrmmmm *I indeed deserve the best* ;)