One Awesome Friend

I was only a week old and she had proved to be the kindest of individuals. She wasn't obligated to help me but she chose to. Day after day, she was patient with me teaching me all I needed to understand. I wasnt quite used to that sort of treatment so i constantly felt the need to take heed and make the most of it while it lasted. I mean... She seemed too nice to be true; more like a being sent from above.

Well... Not particularly a genius herself, she frequently got in trouble with the boss for failing to meet up with expectations. She was barely a year old at the firm but she knew enough to groom me and teach me the rules of the game. Unlike the others who cared less if I existed and were all too quick to reprimanding me when I erred, she was genuinely interested in ensuring I improved daily.

The others were the truly experienced ones, they knew it all but were the sorts who rather conceal and save up their knowledge for public displays. They were more interested in sending me on errands and watching me falter than giving me the training i so desperately required. But she was different. She would entertain my inadequacies and allow me disrupt and interupt her work as often I could. She would constantly attend to me especially when she perceived my tasks had gotten me buried in confusion and despair. That was how thoughtful and considerate she was.

I'm not sure when, how or why, but it all changed... She became distant. She would simply let out a smile when I teased or express an exuberant demeanour when she's got an amazing feedback from the boss. Maybe it was me! I mean... I'm quite a handful. I'm easy to get along with but difficult to be friends with. "Could i have driven her to this point?" I repeatedly asked myself. "Could I have discouraged her without knowing or said something i shouldnt have?". "Could I have overwhelmed her with my needs disregarding the existence of hers?". All these thoughts plaugued my mind and began to slowly shape my behaviour.

Before long, I also began to withdraw, I was well schooled and able to stand on my feet so I had little or no reason to seek her advise. Faster than I realized, we had become 'just colleagues' and I had began to excel at my job and take the credit for all my successes.

Almost like two college girls, we started to get into arguements, fights and before long talked behind each others' backs. I must say, she had grown quite annoying and i'm sure we got on each others' nerves in equal proportion.

It was one of those evenings when I do my personal reflection that it occured to me that I was flawed. I had thought for a few good hours and objectively realised my failings... It wasn't her at all, it was I who was the problem!

I discovered that words failed me when I needed them the most and an unending stream of them filled my mind when I need them to stop. I realised that I lacked when it came to being as nice to others as they have been to me and i came to terms with the fact that I was very critical, not trusting and hard to please. I didnt mean to be this way, I just assumed she'll know I cared from such gestures as sharing my excitements with her.

I got angry often at her for being insensitive when it was i who had concealed my true emotions with a smile and denied the existence of an ill feeling ...that was my crime: pretense. I was a fraud when she had so easily trusted, opened up and sincerely cared. she perceived the stench of it from far off as if it were a dead animal rotting in an enclosed space.

While the goodnews is that amends were made, the focus of this mainly is to provoke an evaluation of self and our relationships. They are not always the cause, sometimes, we are too.

To my amazing friends, I really love you all. I know i don't deserve a few of you....and i'm grateful and thankful for you guys in my life. xx

Diary of a Single Girl: 2

So we became official and I told him I recently got out of a relationship and so wouldn’t want to rush things to which he agreed and promised to treat me like an egg in his words! Obviously I was happy! I was particular about not rushing things as I wanted to be sure he wasn’t just a rebound guy. I talked about him so often that anyone that knew me at the time knew that I was so in love with him *huge grin*.

Now the real story officially begins here……

My new boyfriend wasn’t a phone or chatty person I mean he does have a bb but we never chatted for long. The longest we've had never exceeded 5mins (except once when we spoke for 38mins : D). He called quite often; up to 5 times in a single day and we would see once or twice during the week depending on how our schedules were. I must add, he had a tasking job and was almost always busy so maybe that’s why phone convos were never long. But what of nights and weekends right? I just didn't get that bit. I never mentioned it to him cos I figured he's not a phone person and he did mention the chat thing to me before anyways. On a second thought, "for crying out loud, I’m your girlfriend you should want to talk to me all the time and for as long as possible when we do talk." I was also busy myself and besides, what did it matter? I knew I loved him and he loved me too (or so I thot). But I gradually began to wonder why our convos never lasted long. I would often try to make him stay on the phone and my man will just as quickly come up with "there’s work in the a.m so we need to go to bed…." (hmmm... really?) So I let it sly.

The biggest problem started 2 months into the relationship when he went on a work trip for about 2 weeks. During this time, I was going thru "stuff" and needed him there more than ever before. He didn’t call or message and when he did, it wasn’t anything to be happy about. Then, he returned and didn’t as much as contact me until 2days after he had arrived. The funny part was that he saw nothing wrong in what he had done but claimed he had tried calling me when he arrived but couldn’t get thru *obvious lie*. I made no fuss about it… I sent him messages telling him how I felt and the way he was acting or not acting and he didn’t respond to them. He would totally ignore my messages :( (read and not respond) and sometimes responded only after I consistently messaged him… not what you’re thinking! I just think it’s rude to ignore ur girlfriend’s messages. I eventually conveyed my concerns to him. It's only logical to want to know where I stand with him and make him aware of how I did not feel we were in a relationship. He then cut me short saying his environment was noisy and would call me to discuss further *imagine* We never had that conversation despite my constant pushing for us to talk so i guess it was obvious and accordingly, I figured I already had my answer.

I then traveled but couldn't get to see him before I left. A week later, he started messaging apologising for his actions and inactions etc …this is where I begin to feel like a bawse… to have the same guy grovelling when a few weeks ago it was the reverse…I didn’t respond to any of his messages the whole time I was away *taste a bit of your own medicine*. On my return, I felt sorry for him and agreed to discuss since he claimed he was going through "stuff" at the time and was ready to explain. He went on about how I made him a better man * a song by musiq soul child*, how my smile lights up the whole room *taylor swift*, how he was a changed man *chris brown*, and finally he doesn’t believe no one can love him better *dondria* never use lines of my favourite songs.

After all the apology I told him I needed time to think so he won’t feel his lyrics went to waste. Told him words are cheap, actions are expensive; don’t speak about it until you can’t afford it…cos words without actions are totally meaningless. After all his and my speech, he still remained his same old self.

Truth is my heart really does love him even if I act like I put up such an act…just wish he could be the best boyfriend possible…

I’m lost for ideas and simply clueless on what to do and how to manage all this :(