The First Five Days of September !

Day 1:

it was a Saturday, and my dad wasn't feeling too good but I didn't think much of it. I was sure he'd be good in no time. We went to the hospital to visit and we spoke about 'Purple Hibiscus' -a book I had just finished reading. "Daddy, how can a father pour hot water on his child's leg? That's just mean!" "You need to read it daddy for real." My dad replied " I'm still reading this big one Babatunde gave me."

We stayed in the hospital till late that night...

Day 2:

My dad said his final goodbyes today... but we didn't realize it till he actually passed.

We were together all evening. The visiting time had elapsed and just as we were about to leave, he told us not to. He asked that we sat on the corridor and spent quality time with each other.  He was the only one who knew that the quality time would be the last conversation we were going to have together as a family.  He kissed my mum and I said "ewwwww."  I would never forget that Sunday; moments that I would never be able to describe in words. They are all memories...that I would forever cherish. No husband or father like him. We got home a bit after midnight; I cried and I prayed myself to sleep because I desperately wanted for him to feel better.

Day 3: whenever I think of day 3, I feel sad all over again because it was a day I wish I could go back to and fix something.

6:18pm, I called my dad: "daddy I won't be coming to the hospital today, I have a cold and I don't want you to catch it. I have been sneezing all day." ...and He simply said ok. If I could turn back the hands of time to spend day three with him...

It is harder to get closure knowing I could have done something differently.

Day 4: I got a call at work at 2:19pm. It was my mum. She didn't understand what the doctors were saying about a possible death. I couldn't concentrate at work, so I asked for permission to leave. I went straight to the hospital. We all prayed and just as if it happened yesterday, I recall, clearly how my dad kept asking for a cold drink. I phoned my sister. "I've never seen dad like this" I remember telling her.  She got a ticket and came over as quickly as she possibly could. At 10:46pm, I heard a nurse saying "let's allow the family of bed 17 stay the night. he is likely to pass so make them comfortable."  My dad's bed was 17. What a memory to attach those digits (in that exact order) to. My mum said all 3 of us couldn't sleep over. I was to go home, get some rest to come back in the morning so that my brother who would stay the night could go get some rest in the morning after I had returned. It was the last time I saw my dad.

Day 5 : I went to bed at 2.30am and I woke up from a dream around 4ish -what I'd call a nightmare. In the dream my dad had died and for the first time I was too weak to rebuke such thoughts or dreams. In the real world, My dad had passed around past 3. Although I wasn't aware of this, I finally woke up at 6am to get ready for the hospital and saw 3 messages from my cousins conveying their condolences for the passing of my dad. My response: " it's ok, the devil is a liar. He is going to get well." They realised I had no clue of his passing when they read "he is going to get well ".

I got to the hospital to find my dad sleeping.  I smiled and said "oh... he slept when I left" but no one replied me. There was a smile on his face some sort and I asked what painkillers they had used for him and still no one replied me. He looked like he was still breathing, I touched him and he was cold. I started to hit his chest, telling him to wake up.  This wasn't the type of sleep I wanted for him. At this point, everyone left me in the room.

No day goes by without the thought of my dad. I know that he will want my memory of him to be a happy one; of his peaceful smile. Every time I say Ayodele ka re laye (meaning Ayodele did well in his lifetime) I smile because he ran a good race and though his life here on earth is over, he is resting in perfect peace. People say move on but how do you move on from a great father. Someone who displayed love in his deeds and his words. How do you move on from someone who gave you the best life ? How do you possibly move on from one of the best relationships you had the privilege of enjoying on this earth?

I'm so thankful to God for the time spent with him. I'm so thankful for a wonderful life. I am thankful for comfort, healing and thankful to God for the amazing family and friends that have been there endlessly.

Torn !

My mum was only 16 when she got pregnant. I have always wondered what she was thinking when she let someone get on top of her to get her pregnant. I have always wondered why I was the spermatozoa that made it out of the millions or was it billions they said?

I also wondered why people said God has a plan and even if I were a mistake, according to God's big plan I am expected to believe that I wasn't. But clearly, I was. The way I saw it, only a dumb person would think a mishap or an 'oops!' isn't a mistake.

My dad's family thought a baby couldn't take care of another baby so they decided to take care of me. I didn't see my mother till I was 15; when she was Ill and was going to pass.

She passed 2 days after I saw her for the first time in 15 years. I went through so many emotions: anger, pain, joy, bliss, happy, bitter, disappointed and the list goes on. I was disappointed that she didn't make an effort to be involved in bringing me up. I was happy because she made sure she saw me before she passed. However, my mum was angry and happy. Happy to see me, but angry that I came and spoilt the good thing she had with my dad. She asked me to forgive her and I did and I also asked for her forgiveness even if I knew I shouldn't have apologised for her thoughtless act of getting pregnant as a teenager. 

When she passed, my dad thought it was time to stop living with his uncle and sent for me to join him and his family in England. I was going to live with people I had never met and a father I never knew. I knew he paid all my fees as my uncle had said but that's all I knew of him. 

I moved in with my new family and I was absolutely in love with my step siblings, the baby especially. My dad started becoming violent towards me -I reminded him too much of my mum. I don't know what it was about her that got him so angry but I know he hit me a lot, he would hit me like he was fighting with his friend. He didn't hesitate to tell me that his worse decision was bringing me over to England. I put my hands up, sometimes I did have a terrible attitude but I don't think that was inevitable because I was always reminded that it wasn't both their intention to have me.

Today, my dad hit me again and I write from the hospital bed; where I am being treated for a head injury. The police just got a statement from me (no I didn't call them, the neighbours did ). They want me to press charges but I don't know if I should. It is the right thing to do but he has 3 other children who he loves dearly and a beautiful wife who calms him down when he hits me. They keep asking if I need to see someone who would advise me. I want him to pay for this by doing time but what would you think about me ?

My Life in a Flash

I was only 15 when my cousin Julie introduced me to an older man; he was 43 at the time. I know the age difference raises a lot of eyebrows. All I can put down in writing is that I never knew lack since I met Dede.

Dede sent my siblings and I to school and there was a difference in the standard of living in my family. He opened my eyes to a whole new world ahead of me, a world that I never even dreamt of having. I mean, as far as I was concerned, my purpose in life was just to get by and if I did just that, then I would be complete.  

6 years after I met Dede, he passed -and he passed right in front of me. He held his chest and slumped and that was it; Dede was gone! I wasn't married to Dede, I was only a young girl he fancied and took care of. I was used to this new life and so I wasn't going to settle for less than I deserved if you know what I mean.

I met Patrick; he was in Dede's circle of friends at the bar he occasionally visited. We got married a few years later and I had a set of twins. When I was mid-way through my pregnancy, Patrick decided to send me to America, got me a nice house in one of Boston's suburbs and had my maid travel along with me. When I had the twins, he insisted I stayed back till they were 1. However, a year became 2 and then that doubled too.

The twins are now on the verge of proceeding grade 1 and I have only seen Patrick 6 times in 6 years. He visits for 2 months in the summer and that's it till the following year. My maid has now become my best friend and our conversations often include concerns such as 'oga cheating on me and what not'.

I insisted on visiting home with the kids last Christmas. On my arrival, my home felt different. I could sense the presence of a female in the house but I desisted from making any such accusations. When I got back to the States, I called my husband ...and without any prior notice, informed him of my desires to move back so we all could once again be one family sharing the same roof! Enough of our distance marriage which had started to feel strained. A feeling of being married to my dad whom I couldn't object to and whom I feared so much.

Much to my surprise, I was shocked to know that he said yes willingly. I had prepared for a mini argument or at least, some cajoling. But it was smooth sailing. He had agreed so painlessly.  

I'm going back to a man I don't really know. The math says it all... -7 years of marriage with only a total of 14months lived together as a couple/family. I feel like I'm getting married again, but I want to know the man I have called my husband for the last 7 years.

I'm at the airport now, and I just called my husband phone. Our neighbour Victoria picks up his phone. I can't stop asking myself what she's doing with my husband's phone at 5am Nigerian time and why he's not available to pick up my call.

...Or could he have found me out? I wonder if he has figured out that the twins are not his.

To Talk or Not to Talk ?

I was having a conversation with a couple of friends last week and we talked about a few things which led up to a discussion on cheating partners in relationships. I've always had a cheating conversation with a guy usually so this was quite different.

Anyhoo, the main question was: 'Would you tell your friend if you caught their partner cheating?' I was going to ask guys this just to see if we differed in opinions but I haven't done so. I guess this will be a platform for me to know what guys' thoughts on this would be ? So do tell !

I have agreed not to say my friends' opinions on this also, so I'll only highlight my thoughts on it and my answers when I was asked. Our close friend's boyfriend has cheated on her multiple times, with not one girl, not two but a few. I cannot judge her because she has taken him back on different occasions, I mean, I sometimes wonder what type of love they share that makes her go back but nonetheless I do not judge -that's beside the point! The last time he cheated, my friend decided to tell her because she knew the girl who he had been with.

Last we heard, he was a changed man so she couldn't wrap her head around the reason he would do something like that again. She cried on the phone, eventually hung up to sort it out with her boo.  Long story short, she's still with him and she said she doesn't like it when people are jealous of her relationship and just because certain people are single doesn't mean they should tear down what she has (fair enough). So that question came up in our conversation as a result of this.

The 3 things I would do if I caught or knew my friend's partner is cheating:

1) The level of our friendship would determine whether or not I would tell them. If it’s a close friend I'll opt to tell and I have done so before. I felt bad at the end cos it ended their relationship and I sorta blamed myself. I mean, who told me to carry such bad news but I did it for the better good and now my friend is with better, which is all that matters at the end.

2). If it were someone like the friend who said people were jealous of her relationship, Nne! I will keep shut; no word will come out of me whatsoever. Some friends are better off learning their lessons without interferences. (Experience is the best teacher). Although that might sound mean, I'd rather come across as mean than be seen as a jealous person. A guy I used to like made a pass at my friend, but she thought I was too into him to tell me. She only told me when she was sure I wasn't interested in him anymore. Which takes me to my last point.

3). If I know my friend is really head over heels in love with their partner, I would confront the cheating party (which may not work in all cases for different reasons you may think of). Then start making little side comments like 'u can do better', 'there's just something about your partner that doesn't sit well with my spirit', 'the dynamics between you guys is a bit off', 'I had a dream' lololol (I won't go that far). Just little side comments till the cheating party decides to confess or not. In my own case, my friend made me see a lot of his flaws and I started to lose interest.

So what would you do if you knew your friend's partner was cheating on them ? Gosh I used the word friend too many times in this post.

Random thought: Working with female species can be some sort annoying especially when they are the bosses. 

My Wonderful Father, Friend & First Love

When men pray, God may do any of these three things: He may say a yes, He may say a no or a 'not now'... it is left to God to do as He deems fit. If He decides not to accede to our request, there's really nothing anyone can do about it -it's His prerogative, we cannot take Him to court and at best, it's wise to give Him a free hand

Wow ! I would never have imagined that I would be writing a tribute to my dad, I mean not at this point in my life anyway. My Dad’s life –who he was to me, what he was -can never be understood just written in words. Words can truly not describe a quarter of the man he was, but at their best, could only try to give a reflection of the selfless and unassuming man who lived such a full and impactful life. You never really stop feeling the loss of someone close to you and I know people say time heals all wounds, so far it hasn't healed mine. My whole world hasn't been the same since he left and probably won't be the same.

People who know me know how close I was with him and I can't possibly describe our relationship in a post or words. No day goes by without the thought of him and I especially reminisce on the last week before he left. Words can't describe how much I miss him, or how much I want him to be here to listen to me and help me when I need him to like he always did.

Daddy! 

You exemplified ‘Sacrifice’ – because you always wanted the best for your family even at your own expense. If you had a 100 naira you only kept 10 for yourself ensuring we were fully taken care of even if it meant you going without.

You exemplified the word ‘Protector’ – I cannot forget the day armed robbers came into the house and you offered yourself to them while telling us to go and hide so we would be ok. You also told them to leave mummy alone and deal with you instead (that was most definitely the point I knew that your love for us knew no bounds and you were a great protector).

You exemplified the word ‘Teacher’ – because you always knew what to say and how to say it even in times of trouble. You always told me to give God a problem and leave it with him to solve not worrying about it. You actually lived out that saying leaving everything to God to decide -in His care. You have taught me more about what I need and should look for in a man. You constantly reminded not to settle for less and also of my place as the child of a king. And you teaching me is what I will miss the most.

5th of September was a tough day and everyday since then has been different, I want to wake up everyday for it to be a dream but it hasn’t been.  I want to wake up and see you again saying Omoyo yo yo. I want to have a sing off with Yimika and you choose her over me again. I want to be able to say ‘Daddy se wa alright’ again. I really wish you left me a manual for the times you wont be here again.

My dad was my close friend, I would tell him anything from work to relationships and yet I respected him so much. Some father a child but he was more interested in having a relationship with his children. He called me Omoyo onigbese because I borrowed money from him knowing I wouldn’t return it. I told him sometime in August that the only reason I borrowed money from him was because when I asked he said no but when I use the word borrow he would gladly give it. He replied saying I know I would not “borrow” you if I couldn’t give you and I also don’t want you to ask things from outsiders when your father is capable of giving you.

He also encouraged my writing, I showed him some of my blog posts and he was so proud. I’m happy that I constantly told him how much he meant to me. I’ll always carry his heart with me; no one can steal the memory of his love away. He was a King amongst men of which there are a few. My heart, my rock, and my bull who would I be if God did not bring us together.

Life with him was definitely amazing; he loved us and made sure to the best of his ability that we lacked nothing. It is only human to miss and cry for your loved one but I’m glad that I have another angel watching over me. God’s will was done and you are no longer in pain and I know He’ll heal and comfort us on every side.

I will be comforted by these words from the book of Revelations 14:13 Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labour, for their deeds will follow them."